Tears, Cradled In Your Hands
by hallowgirlfrommars
Summary: ""My apologies, Dean. I don't know what happened to me." But Dean just smiles, a smile that looks strangely sad. "You never cried before, Cas?"" Castiel learns what it's like to cry. Dean teaches him what it's like to be comforted. Destiel. Set in late Season 5.


**So, this is set in late Season 5 during/after the episode 99 Problems, after Dean gives Cas the painkillers and they bond over their daddy issues. Destiel/pre-Destiel tears-fluff. Leave a review :)**

Castiel's head has never hurt this much. His whole vessel feels heavy, as if rocks have been attached to the ends of his sleeves and they're dragging him down, dragging him so that he feels like lying on the ground. The stars glitter overhead as the night passes by but he can barely raise his head to look at them.

Dean says this is called a hangover. Dean makes jokes about hair of the dog that Castiel doesn't understand, as he doesn't see what canines have to do with his present situation. Sam says something about things going over Castiel's head which makes Castiel look up but there is nothing hovering over his head in the present moment of time.

But Dean has handed him this jar of pills which have somewhat eased the pain in his head. That makes Castiel feel better but not much. The heaviness, strangely, seems to be inside him, weighing him down. He frowns, tries to work out why he feels so-crushed inside. He feels as though his insides have dropped down a hole. He doesn't want to smile. He doesn't want to do anything.

"Cas?" and Dean is here, but for some reason, Castiel doesn't want him to be, and he doesn't know why. He always wants Dean here. But right now, he feels strange, almost as if he's trembling inside and he doesn't know why his lips feel as if they can't stay still.

Castiel tries to meet Dean's eyes. "Hello, Dean." But the words crack halfway through and he has to turn his face away.

Dean sits down next to him, and he feels a hand on his shoulder, the thumb brushing the side of his neck. "Cas? Hey, you OK?"

Castiel swallows. He doesn't know. He doesn't know why he keeps thinking of the moment Dean had told him that God didn't care-God had never cared. His father has never cared.

Castiel has rebelled. He has fallen from heaven. And God doesn't care. He isn't one of the hunters. He isn't an angel, the way he used to be. He is nobody. He has nobody.

And he doesn't know why his eyes are suddenly burning and they 're filling with liquid and he turns away from Dean, scrubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand, because he doesn't want Dean to see this but he wants Dean to tell him _why-_

Dean's voice again. "Hey. Hey, Cas. It's OK-"

"_No-"_ and Castiel didn't expect his voice to come out of his throat, ragged and broken. And he doesn't know why and that means a hiccup rises in the back of his throat and he leans his forehead on his hands and feels water trickle down his cheeks, because he doesn't know, he doesn't know what to do, there is nothing else to do-"

"Cas-" and Dean's arms go around his shoulders, which feels completely new and yet strangely familiar to Castiel, and he can't pull away from the feeling of his head on Dean's shoulder, no matter how much he wants to. "Cas, buddy, are you crying?"

"I-" and Castiel realises his nose is running. He scrubs at it with his sleeve.

Dean stares at him. "Cas-" And then his hand rises to hold Castiel's face. "Cas, it's OK."

Castiel shakes his head. "It is _not _OK, Dean" he says and the words break from his throat. "It isn't OK and I can't breathe, I can't breathe, Dean, _help _me-" And Castiel realises that he is an angel, an angel who can blow something to pieces with the touch of his hand and yet, he is here, helpless, begging a human for help, because he doesn't know what anything means anymore and he doesn't understand, and there is no one for him.

And then Dean pulls Castiel into a hug, letting the angel's head fall against his shoulder and that's when Castiel feels his shoulders shake, and a sobbing sound rips out of his throat, and Dean's hands are there on his shoulders and it's Dean's voice that whispers in his ear. "You're OK, Cas. You're OK."

And gradually, his lungs gasp for air, and the shaking subsides a little and he can speak again, a little more clearly at least.

"I-" and he leans back because Dean's jacket is wet and he didn't mean to do that and he still doesn't understand why-"My apologies, Dean. I don't know what happened to me."

But Dean is smiling, a smile that looks strangely sad. "You never cried before, Cas?"

Castiel frowns. "No. I-never had need as an angel."

Dean laughs but it's a sound with no humour. "You know, Cas, when you have feelings, it's kind of different."

Castiel swallows. "Why did it happen, then?"

Dean shrugs. "Well, you just found out your dad's kind of a deadbeat loser who doesn't give a damn. I'd say that calls for freaking crying."

Castiel would pull away at that but he doesn't. Firstly, it's true and second, he doesn't want to lose the feeling of Dean's hands on his shoulders.

Instead, he watches Dean. "Has this ever happened to you?"

Dean looks away but his arm stays around Castiel's shoulders and his voice is low as he says "Sometimes."

Castiel swallows. "I-" He thinks of Dean feeling like this, scrubbing at his eyes, struggling to hide from Sam and his own hand catches hold of Dean's sleeve. "I am sorry."

Dean shrugs and looks back at him. "Told you, man. Nothing to apologize for."

Castiel shakes his head. "I meant-that you have experienced this. It is an unpleasant sensation."

Dean laughs again, with a little more humour this time. "Some emotions are, Cas. Some are better."

Castiel leans against Dean's shoulder and keeps his hand on his arm. "Dean."

"Yeah, Cas?"

It takes a moment and then Castiel hears his own voice. "I thought he cared" and the words break in his own throat. "I thought he would help me." And those tears stream out again and he doesn't bother to hide them this time. "I thought he'd care."

"Shh, Cas-" and Dean's arms are around Castiel's shoulders again. "I know, I know what it's like, Cas, it's OK-" And Dean holds him and whispers to him and Castiel forgets about the fact he is an angel and Dean is a human. All he can feel is his head falling against Dean's chest and the feeling of fingers braiding themselves in his hair.

It takes a while for Castiel's breathing to calm and then he gasps "How did you do it?" And he doesn't care if he's clutching at Dean a little too frantically and he doesn't know how anything can hurt this much with no physical damage at all.

Dean's voice is quiet and he keeps whispering into Castiel's hair now. "I just-didn't think about it. For ages, I guess." His voice is slower, quieter than usual, and it seems to lull Castiel, lull the shaking breaths still filling his throat.

"And then I just-I had Sammy, I guess" and Dean's eyes are staring over Castiel's head into the distance, and it suddenly seems as if Dean is talking as much to himself as to Castiel. "I had someone else that I had to keep it bottled up around most of the time, but if, you know-" He gestures at Castiel and his lips flicker in a quick smile. "I needed to crash like this, he was there."

Castiel feels tears pool in his eyes again and he chews his lip. "You had Sam" and his voice cracks on the last word.

Dean nods. "Cas?" because those sounds have risen out of Castiel's throat again and Dean's arms are still around him. "Cas, hey, what is it?"

Castiel shakes his head and then Dean tilts his chin so that Casitel has to look at him. "Tell me, Cas" and Castiel bites his lip as Dean's thumb runs over Castiel's cheekbone.

He draws in a deep breath of air, gulping it down his throat. "I have-" and there are fresh tears running down his cheeks again as he realises the truth of what he's about to say.

"I have no one" he manages and his voice cracks again and this time the sobs are explosive, shaking his shoulders and his fingers digging into Dean's jacket and then Dean suddenly has hold of him tight, gripping him against him and muffling the sounds in his chest.

"Listen to me" and then Dean's lifting his chin again and there's something blazing in Dean's eyes as they meet Castiel's. "You are not alone. OK? You've got us."

Castiel stares and Dean pulls his head onto his shoulder. "What do you think me and Sam are going to do" and the words are into Cas's hair. "Ignore you? For a freaking angel, Cas, you can be a moron at times" and Castiel stiffens but Dean holds onto him and he can feel the hunter's laugh vibrate through his whole body. "Kidding, Cas."

Castiel nestles against him and his own voice is low. "You mean that?"

"Yeah, Cas. Jeez." But Dean's voice is soft and it's a second later that he whispers "We're here, Cas. You're like family."

Something warm seems to run under Castiel's skin when he hears that, and Dean's hand strokes up and down his back. He can breathe now, he can talk a little, and he sniffs and his eyes meet Dean's. "Thank you" he says and he wants to say more, to tell Dean how much the words mean to him, but this is all he can conjure right now. So he just looks at Dean and hopes Dean will hear everything in the words. "Dean-thank you."

Dean looks at him for a long moment. "No problem" he says. And then, he leans forward. He leans forward and his lips brush Castiel's forehead.

The kiss is warm and brief and Castiel feels himself shiver but in a way that gives him goosebumps and makes his cheeks feel hotter and seems to tingle inside his chest in a way that is not entirely unpleasant. He tries to look at Dean and finds that he can't. Strangely, Dean seems to be having the same problem.

"Thank you" he says and Dean laughs. "You're politer than most chicks, Cas."

Castiel frowns. "I am not female" he says, wondering if Dean is clear on the fact that angels actually have no gender. "And females have no relation to infant birds."

Dean stares at him and then breaks into laughter which Castiel can feel from where his head is pressed against his chest. He can feel Dean Winchester's heart, beating, beating, beating against his ear. And then Dean lowers his head and whispers, again, what he whispered that night at the side of the road. "Don't ever change, Cas."

Castiel feels a smile tug at his lips, which makes him wonder why there are still tears in his eyes. "I won't" he says, and his eyes feel heavy, so he lets them shut. He doesn't sleep but sometimes, his mind drifts and sometimes, he lets it.

Dean's arm stays around him and his voice is soft as he whispers "You've got us, Cas."

"I know, Dean" and this time, Castiel lifts his hand without opening his eyes. His fingers close over Dean's, and he feels Dean stiffen for a moment. But he doesn't pull away and after a second he feels Dean Winchester's hand slide back into his, as his other hand comes up to cup Castiel's head, and their hands rest, warm inside each other.

They don't speak. They just sit there, with Castiel's head cradled against Dean's chest, Dean's mouth just brushing Castiel's hair, their arms wrapped around shoulders and their hands holding inside each other, as the night passes by and the stars glitter overhead.

**Come on, SPN writers, it's practically canon anyway! Or, as my cousin put it, "KISS EACH OTHER GODDAMN IT!" :) Leave a review :)**


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